Following the "Mommy Instincts"

So after the doctors visit I looked into the early intervention in our area. It's run by the college and I knew people that had taken their kids there. I'd gotten mixed reviews from parents. Some said it was great for their child, others said their child screamed and wouldn't calm down and hated it. Some loved the teachers, others felt like they didn't listen to their concerns. So then I got mixed feelings about it.

It was also the end of October/beginning of November and their next session or semester didn't start until January, and while they probably would have started the process of getting us enrolled, the Holiday's were really pulling at my attention strings. I love Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas are big family times.

So, we just kept treating Tiny like she could hear us, but more and more I realized I didn't want to take her in to speech therapy if she couldn't hear what was going on. How could speech therapy help my child if she couldn't hear?

So I decided to get another hearing test done. Tiny was a home birth, it was hard and amazing and also considered "uneventful", except you know, the whole birthing a baby part. She was on time and healthy. At the time she was born my midwife didn't do hearing screenings, but I learned from a friend who had her baby after me that she did them now and since we had birthed with her, she would do it for free.

I admit, even though I loved her, I was terribly scared to call and set up the appointment. What if all my fears were true? What if the test wasn't conclusive? It took me until the middle of December to drum up enough courage and then busy schedules and holidays took more time until we could get an appointment.

Then, one early morning in January when the girls were first up and the hubs had just gotten to bed after his night shift, she texted me, "I'm coming into town, I have my kit with me, can I just swing by and we can do the test?"

I immediately texted back "That would be great! Thanks so much!"

Twenty minutes later there was a quiet knock on my door and I let her in. She got her machine out and tested it to make sure it was working properly. Then we got Tiny on my lap and distracted by watching a movie on the TV so she'd leave the probes in her ears.

She pushed some buttons and we all stayed quiet, I tried not to watch the little screens as she "hummed" and decided to check her machine again. Then she ran the test again.

I could feel my panic rising as she took the probes and started to coil the tubes. "I'm so sorry, I'm not getting a reading," I held my breath, "in either ear."

I pursed my lips, and held Tiny a little closer while I nodded and asked, "What does that mean?"

She shook her head, "I can't say for sure, but I would get her into an audiologist immediately. I'd also try and make noises behind her, turn on the vacuum or loud music right behind her and and see if you can get any response in the mean time. I'm so sorry."

She gave me the number to one she recommended in town and a hug and then had to be off to her next appointment.

I sat back on the couch, silently watching Tiny watch Elmo as tears threatened to slip down my face. Bug wanted breakfast and we had things planned for the day, so I needed to hold it together.

I did cry a little over the scrambled eggs and cereal I got my girls and then I went into my office and forced myself to work on a design project I was mocking up for someone. Every few seconds my thoughts would turn to the worries, and every few minutes I would look at her and wonder. Two hours of this, and I'd gotten little done. I wanted to wake my husband, but I didn't. He'd gotten to bed late, had mentioned it had been a rough night at his job, and he had work again tonight. Besides, one test only told us she couldn't hear, not what had caused it or if it was reversible, right? It still took everything in my power not to go and wake him up.

I did finally try and startle her. I quietly got the vacuum and plugged it in and set it up right behind her. She didn't notice. We have a vacuum you can turn on and it is loud, but it doesn't rumble and the brushes don't move until you flip another switch. So I did the first, nothing. My heart sank. So I turned on the second switch and tipped the vacuum so the brush would activate and vibrate the floor. She jumped. More heart sinking and I hurried and put it away and ran back into my office panicked.

I look back and maybe I ought to have woken my husband at this point, but I called my mom and told her what had happened, and I cried, a lot, with my office door closed, gushing all my fears and worries. "I just had to tell someone. I feel like I'm going crazy and Josh needs his sleep." She's a mom, so she could understand. She listened, tried to help me gain some calm, and said she'd pray for us and told me to call and make an appointment.

I pulled it together, called and left a message when there was no answer, then the girls and I went and ran the errands that needed doing for the day. By the time we got back my husband was up and I couldn't hold it together any longer. The minute I started crying, he knew something was up. I told him what the midwife had said, that I'd already called to set up and appointment and maybe it was nothing.

He said something my mom said, "Well, look at it this way, if she can't hear at least we can take comfort in the fact that she wasn't just ignoring us this whole time." It was a small comfort, but I knew what he meant.

When the weekend was over, I got a call back from the Audiologist. His office was actually a satellite office in our town and he was only there Tuesdays and Thursdays, we couldn't get an appointment for another few weeks, almost a month.

So now there was more waiting, and only a little relief from the nagging in my head. I had one answer, that only served to open up a million more.


I'm not sure I'll ever be able to forgive myself for ignoring my instincts, denying my doubts about what family and friends were saying, or even our well meaning doctor, for so long. I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of the guilt of "what might have been" if I'd just listened to myself at the start,  but I hope someday Tiny will be able to. 

((At the end of a lot of my subsequent posts I plan to put things we should have taken note of sooner or asked about at a specific time or appointment, instead of waiting. Hopefully these Observations might help someone else.

Observations: One clue we should have picked up on, but chose to ignore, was that she would push the volume buttons way up high on the TV, but then would never cared if we put the MUTE on. At first we just figured she liked the pictures more than the sounds or simply didn't care because we kept the TV pretty quite when there was something on. We also should have noticed that when I first started to worry, she rarely startled, and after this point, unless you touched her or she could feel you coming or you jumped out at her and she could see you, she didn't really startle at all. She liked to stomp almost anytime we were walking. We figure it was because she enjoyed the feeling or could feel the floor of our rental vibrate. She tended to like toys that lit up or moved, but didn't really care about the baby piano that just made noise. She'd push on it, but when it didn't do anything, she lost interest pretty fast. Some of these things can be behavior things, but some of them can be signs. If you're worried, don't wait, make an appointment with and Audiologist.))